I often kill an hour or two of my lazy days at Stir Crazy, an agreeable cafe in West Hollywood that sort of reminds me of Williamsburg, and that's what I did yesterday afternoon. I didn't go there to write or really to read, I was bored and antsy. I thought a walk would have helped but I had just toured all through Little Odessa, marveling at the sorts of things people bring to pawn shops jewelry (of course), guitars and amplifiers, crystal decanters, sheet music, telephones, fur coats, &c. but it hadn't. There's just nothing cheery about a row of pawnshops across the street from a bail bondsman's office.
Because the waitress is especially nice to me, I like to go there and simply flip through magazines and people watch. I'd tried to read or write there in the past but in the end I have to admit that I get bored or distracted and instead watch all the other customers typing away at their Macs or chatting about who'd they'd cast in the film should it be "picked up."
On this occassion, at least six people were busy on their screenplays, some sort of casting meeting was going on in the corner booth, and two pretty, sun-kissed girls, their bikini tops visible beneath their shirts, were reading lines from a script to each other in a darker corner. I was reading the Crate & Barrel Summer Sale catalog. I had given myself an imaginary budget of $5,000 to outfit the new apartment I would be moving into next month in New York, the terms being that I had to spend it all and I could only use items available through the catalog.
I noticed that some new artist had hung paintings, mostly of a skinny, naked girl with spikey blonde hair and large doe eyes, on the walls of the coffee shop. They were classic cafe-art fare: bright, flat, lifeless portraits with no sense of perspective or proportion. But a number of the regulars seemed to like them, even going so far as to point out some of their virtues, which I just didn't see myself. At one point, the door opened and in walked a thin, young, blonde, spikey-haired girl with doe eyes dressed in paint spattered denim short-shorts and a tank top. One gentleman was stunned and blurted out "It's you!"
"Excuse me?" she responded in a little girl's voice.
"You're the girl in the paintings! You're even better looking in person."
"Thanks! I painted them myself. They're for sale, just so you know."
"They're great, but I don't think I can afford them so I'll just come here and look at them," he replied. And no, he didn't look like he could afford to spend $400 on a painting, let alone a poor representation of the art, but yes, he did look like the sort of fellow who would come to a coffee shop everyday to stare at self-portraits of a young, naked woman.
She went to the counter and asked the waitress, "Have any sold yet?"
"No, but a lot of people like them!"
"I think they're fantastic," another man, a middle-aged would-be screen writer I'd seen there frequently chimed in. "I especially like this one here...," he motioned the young artist over to a large portrait of herself stepping shyly out of a bath tub with water running down her small breasts and stomach.
"Thanks! It's me! I like to paint myself in everyday situations. It's for sale if you want to buy it."
"Maybe later," he said and she looked like she actually believed him. Then, placing his hand on her shoulder, he walked her down to another painting, this one of the nude artist staring into the eyes of another naked young woman, a brunette, both with sparkles spirling out of their eyes. "Is she you're...uh...girlfriend?" And I swear he was becoming visibly aroused.
"Oh! No!" she blushed, "That's my best friend. She's really beautiful. Do you think you might want to buy that one?"
"I think you're both very beautiful. Did she pose for you like that or did you have to imagine what she would look like?" He looked like he could easily imagine what everyone in the coffee house would look like naked.
"She posed for me. She's the best model! I paint her a lot" the artist beamed though not without noticing the man's hand lingering on her shoulder, adding "I promised her I'd give her half of what I got from the portraits that she's in. It's not easy to let someone paint you naked. It makes you vulnerable," she looked down shyly and then suddenly looked at him and said, "I could give you a break on this one if you really like it. How about $350?"
And just as I thought he was going to undo his pants and start masturbating right then and there, a new gent arrived on the scene carrying a box of toys. Without saying a word. He put the box down next to the artist and the art connoisseur and pulled out a miniature SUV and remote-control unit. Placing the toy on the floor, he immediately caused it to drive in between and around them, reversing itself and making tight turns, even flipping over and righting itself.
"At Radio Shack these go for $60 to $80, but today we're offering them for just $25," he said to the room. "They're not stolen and I'm a legitimate wholesale distributer."
Our art expert was spellbound and apparently satisfied with the agent's credentials. "Cool! Twenty-five dollars?" he asked, reaching for his wallet. The young artist appeared annoyed and took the opportunity to order an iced tea as the two gentlemen completed the transaction.