"If you didn’t get the picture, then maybe you can read the writing on the wall…"
-- George Jones
M--, my ex-roommate and nemesis, had finally landed an assistant professorship, but it was upstate, so he was leaving the city. He sent an e-mail around inviting some of us to a going-away party he was throwing for himself, as well as for a woman, D--, who just that morning had successfully defended her dissertation on some subject or another. I had often received e-mails and voice mails from M-- inviting me out for drinks or to dinner parties, but in the eight months since I moved out of the apartment, I hadn’t responded to a single one. He was my nemesis, after all. Everyone knew this, but, apparently, M-- hadn't been CC’d on the memo, which may or may not have been true since I possess passive aggressive tendencies and confrontation issues. Still, after eight months without a response, you’d think he would have gotten the picture.
Though delighted by the news that M-- was leaving the City, I treated this missive like all the rest; I ignored it. But when I told my friend S-- about it, she insisted that I go, and that I invite her along, as well as E--, so they could finally see what this academic Lothario looked like. S-- had just broken it off with a newly tenured professor who focused his inquiry on the filibuster. He performed so abysmally in the bedroom that she just couldn’t believe that another academic could sleep with a different Korean woman nearly every night. I had to remind her that it was a different woman every night, but she just had to see if he was “all that.” I reluctantly agreed to attend, as did E--, and S-- promised that we only had to stay for one drink and then we could leave. E-- assured me that showing up at the East Village bar, where the party would be held, with two ladies on my arm, would be an appropriate way to confront my nemesis. I RSVP’d to M--'s invite, congratulated him, and told him I’d buy him a drink.
As the date of the party arrived, I still had my doubts about attending. My single e-mail response seemed to have released a flood from him. “Could you invite so and so?” No. “Are you still a practicing homosexual?” Ignored. “Your old ‘girlfriend’ F- is probably going to be there.” Shit. While M-- had barged into my bedroom on several occasions to find me and F-- in bed together, he didn’t really put the pieces together and figure out that we were involved. He just assumed that I was letting her play me so I’d let her stay over, but that it was just platonic. He used to tease me about my “crush” on her and accuse me of “following her around like a puppy,” which was more or less true, except that we were sleeping together. I just wasn’t one to talk about it. And though I find it easy to befriend women, it’s not my practice to sit naked under the covers with my friends...or at least not anymore.
Things hadn’t ended well between me and F--, a beautiful Italian photographer who had bailed out on a doctoral program and was now giving private Italian language instructions in cafes across the City. What started out as sleeping together out of boredom and then blossomed into what felt like a very adult affair culminated in a screaming match in front of the discount liquor store on Broadway and Astor Place over what I was willing to spend on a bottle of wine. Teaching wasn’t paying her bills, but she insisted on eating in the best restaurants and drinking only expensive Italian wines: “To feel like I am ALIVE!”. Except for the odd piece of freelance work I could find, I was more or less unemployed, so I had suggested, rather than going out, “Why not just pick up a bottle of wine and make something at home?” But this was unacceptable to F--. If you can’t afford a ‘fantastic’ bottle of wine, why settle for “squalor?” “Where is the pleasure?!,” she shrieked. “I can’t live like this anymore!” And that was the last time I saw her. So I thought that seeing her again, especially with S-- and E-- on my arm, might turn ugly. Besides, I’m not particularly proud of that dalliance and I hadn’t introduced F-- to any of my friends, telling them only that I was sleeping with a crazy Italian woman. This would elicit a positive “Wow, good for you!” as opposed to the negative, if more accurate, “Stay away from that virago! She’s dangerous! You’re life is out of control!”
In short, F-- was crazy, as was M--, and if I had stayed in that apartment, it would only have been a matter of time before my body was found at the bottom of the air shaft. I was happy living in my new apartment in Greenpoint. I was working again and seeing someone new. I had moved on. Why would I want to revisit the past? Bu I suppose I wanted closure of a sort, and with M--'s imminent departure, I figured this was the time for it. I would just say “Congratulations!” like I meant it, buy him a beer, and leave, hopefully avoiding F-- in the process.
When we arrived at the bar, M-- saw me first and approached with his oblivious smile and greeted me with his usual, “Hello there, young man.” I hated this but pretended to be happy to see him. We shook hands and he introduced me to a gentleman at his side who was quite nice. M-- told him, “This is my ex-roommate Kevin. We lived together for about six months and it was a really fucking good time, even though he’s a fag.” His friend winced at this last remark. The sad thing, I realized, was that M-- was sincere. He really thought we had a great time living together and that we were friends, even though he had been my nemesis all along and contributed actively to my misery. Sure we shared a few late night academic conversations and a few laughs at the expense of The New Left, but otherwise all he talked about was how he tricked women into sleeping with him, or how everyone else around him was a “fag.” Besides, he was a self-proclaimed Trotskyite and anyone self-proclaiming that old chestnut had to be crazy…and dangerous…and lonely.
S-- and E-- stood off to the side observing the scene from a distance and I kept my eye peeled for F--, who could show up at any moment with a knife. She didn’t show up. And we didn’t stay long; just long enough for me to note that we were the only ones who had shown up to his going away party, which he had thrown for himself, and that all the others were here for D-- who had just successfully defended her dissertation that very morning.